


Your Heart was Made To Be Broken and Obviously So Were Your Promises

by itwilleatyourbabies



Series: Old Habits Die Hard [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Drugs, I'm Sorry, M/M, Self Harm, Suicide, more than one, part of a series, this is a fucking mess oops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-19
Updated: 2015-06-19
Packaged: 2018-04-05 02:01:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4161444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itwilleatyourbabies/pseuds/itwilleatyourbabies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wanted to stop, and he would. One way or another. He had promised Phil after all. He had made a promise. The only issue? Dan Howell only makes promises to break them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your Heart was Made To Be Broken and Obviously So Were Your Promises

**Author's Note:**

  * For [A-lonely-fangirl on tumblr](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=A-lonely-fangirl+on+tumblr).



> A/N so I uh… wrote a sequel to “The Most Reassuring Thing I Was Ever Told” that nobody asked for, because I felt like it I guess. (If you haven’t read the first one, it’s in this series- go find it, it’ll make more sense) I know I wrote the first one over a year ago, but I’m going through a bit of a rough patch and thought “why not” and besides, why leave a story with a happy ending?

.S.h.a.t.t.e.r.e.d.

That’s how he felt. His head felt heavy as he leaned it against the cold porcelin of bathtub. He exhaled a shaky breath, he could imagine how is breath would’ve looked in the cold December air if he’d gone out with Phil today. He had asked of course, but Dan denied, Dan had a plan. 

~x~  
“Hey bear” Phil yelled from down the hallway, his cheerful voice tickling Dan’s ears through his locked bedroom door, “I’m going out Holiday shopping, care to come?” Dan shook his head before answering, “no thanks, I’m not feeling to well today.” He could hear Phil sigh, he’d been “not feeling well” for the last couple of days, “okay, well, I’ll pick you up some soup- okay?”   
“Yeah.” Dan replied.   
He could hear Phil pitter-patter to the door to their shared flat.   
~x~  
And now he’s here. With a pile of pills in one hand, the little blue tablets were oddly still in his shaking hand. Just a few, and it’s all over. He popped the first one is his mouth. He swallowed it dry, and felt it get caught in the desert of his throat. He forced it to go down. He hated taking pills, but just a couple more, and he would never have to take another pill again. Ever.   
He only had one left when it started to work. Everybody said that dying would be peaceful. Dan would disagree. His chest burned, like it had caught on fire. His head was spinning and it felt the room was moving every which way.  
His hands shook as he took the very last pill. His mouth had turned into Antarctica, slippery, but dry. He fell against the bathtub, and felt the blood start to drip down his neck. Then it hit him, like a ton of bricks.  
All of these problems… All of these reasons for wanting to finally end his life, they were solvable. He didn’t want to die. He didn’t. He just wanted to fix his problems.   
But it was too late now wasn’t it? He was here. Dying. He wasn’t ready for this. He wasn’t ready. What was he going to do? He felt the tears spill down his cheeks, he couldn’t tell the difference between the salty tears and blood anymore, did it matter? He’d made a mistake. The last mistake he would ever actually make. He fucked up. He really had.   
He waited for what felt like an eternity. He beat himself up. He was so stupid. He just needed to think a little more before making decisions. Oh god was he so stupid. He didn’t want to die, but he wished it would hurry up, his whole body ached and his ears were ringing and he had to gasp for breath, it felt like this chest was collapsing in on itself.   
But then, it happened. He heard the door unlock. Phil! Phil was home. He craned his head towards the locked bathroom door.  
“Phil…” He tried to call, but his voice was weak, and he didn’t have enough air in his lungs to get any volume above a whisper. But phil must’ve had a soft spot in his normally bad hearing for Dan.   
“Dan?” He called back, “What’s wrong? Where are you?” Dan froze, what was he supposed to say?  
“In the bathroom,” He took a deep breath, trying to catch the breath he didn’t know he’d ever get back. “I fucked up, Phil, I’m so sorry.” Phil must’ve known what he meant. Because from the kitchen he heard the shattering of the glass plates Phil must’ve just botton on their kitchen floor. He heard his footsteps pound down the hallway. It have his head an even worse headache.   
The bathroom door banged open. He opened my eyes in shock. Phil was there. His black hair was a mess, and he was breathing heavily. He ran up to the younger boy and wrapped him in his arms. He began to cry into his shoulders and could felt his hands on his back. He laid his head on the taller boy’s head and whispered into his hair,   
“What happened, Bear?” It was loving yet it was filled with worry and concern. Dan took a deep breath and motioned to the empty bottle of pills that had laid next to him. He couldn’t see his face, yet he could practically feel Phil’s eyes widen. He removed his hand from his back and to start feeling around the pockets of his jeans to find his phone.   
His shaking fingers picked up his phone and Dan could watch his entire being shake as he dialed the dreaded numbers 9-9-9. He looked up at him and couldn’t help notice the disappointment and worry in his eyes. The younger boy fell into Phil’s chest.   
“Phil…” He puffed, in between short breaths, “I don’t want to die, I’m not ready to die. I thought I was… but … I’m not… I’m not.” He was crying at this point, but his short breaths made it near impossible. Phil was online now.  
“Yes, that’s our address, we’re the top apartment, the front door is unlocked, do you want me to try and get him to the front door?” Dan could barely make our Phil’s voice, let alone the voice of the lady on the phone, but he barely made out the words, “no, he’ll be too weak to move.” Phil’s breath caught. But he would be strong, for Dan. Dan was the one who needed strength right now.   
It felt like hours, but in reality it was only minutes before the paramedics were in the flat and lifting Dan out on a stretcher. Hours later Phil sat, poured over a chair that was harder than a pornstar’s dick. (a/n #tumblrpuns) He sat with his head in his hands, unable to think. Was this the end? Was he expected to live without Dan?   
He didn’t think he’d be able to do it. The best memories of his entire life had been when he had Dan with him. From the first time he saw the mousy haired boy comment on one of his youtube videos, he knew that they were going to be something great. From that, to the first time that they had met. Where his heart had pounded as he watched Dan’s train pull into the station, to the first time that they’d hugged each other hello, and goodbye.  
It brought Phil back to the present moment. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye. He took a deep breath and sighed as he pulled out his phone, surprised, but not overly shocked to see millions of texts from his friends.  
“Louise: y arnt u and dan on ynow”  
“PJ: Did somethin happen?”   
“Chris: where r u “   
He saw the millions of missed call from his family. He sighed. He didn’t really feel like talking to anybody right now. He opened Twitter really quickly, typing the shortest message he could think of.  
“I’m sorry I’m not on tonight. Bit of an issue, explain later.” He probably misspelled a couple of things. The fandom was going to go crazy. He sighed again. Placing his head in his hands. He wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t. He wasn’t. He… was.   
He felt the first tears come out of his eyes. He could feel his eyes get all red and puffy. The door behind him creaked and he didn’t even glance up.   
“Mr. Lester?” A nurse placed a hand on his shoulder. Nodding, he replied “what?” Your.. friend… he’s gone. I’m sorry.”   
The world stopped for the older boy that day. It actually, physically stopped. He stood up. The whole world spinning. He wasn’t sad like he thought he’d be. He was angry.   
“Do you want to say goodbye?” The nurse asked him gently. Phil shook his head, “No. He doesn’t deserve it.” This time it wasn’t Dan who had a plan. It was Phil who did. He stalked all the way up to the stop of the building, until he was standing on the edge of the building. He looked at all of the people in their ant cars. They weren’t heart broken. They weren’t dying on the inside.   
Little did those people below him know, they were going to witness their first death. He took a deep breath and stepped up on top of the railing, arms open wide. He sighed. If Dan could do it he could do it too. He leaned forwards, just enough to lose his balance something he was pretty good at. He fell then. As if in slow motion he fell forward and felt himself fall through the sky, it felt like he was weightless. No wonder Dan had wanted to do this.  
But back in the hospital room, things were a big different.   
“You told Mr. Johnson his friend was dead, correct?” The doctor asked. The nurse’s eyes widened.   
“No... I told Mr. Lester.” The doctor looked at her in shock, “Mr. Howell is still alive, he’s going to make a full a recovery.” Both the doctor and the nurse tore out of the hospital room, looking for the black haired boy, for whom they had made a grave mistake.   
Dan sighed as he leaned against the cold brick of the hospital’s exterior. After watching the nurse’s exchange with Phil, he knew what he needed to do. He hadn’t heard the exchange between the two of course, but he watched the way Phil stalked away. And he watched Phil mouth his last words. He stood up, with his entire block looking for Phil, he’d been able to escape the hospital room. Barefoot, he struggled to walk to the edge of the sidewalk, a busy road greeted him on the other side.   
Before he could take his final step onto the black asphalt he heard somebody above yell his name.  
“DAN!” The voice yelled, he looked up to see Phil, sitting on top of the hospital, arms outstretched, as if to pick up the younger boy in his arms. But Dan knew now, Phil only cared when it wasn’t going to hurt him in the long run. He turned around so that he was fully facing Phil, and began to step backwards into traffic. If Phil was going to play this game, he was going to lose big time.  
It happened too quickly for Dan to process what was actually happening. One minute he was falling off of the sidewalk and the next minute he felt a blinding pain. Bright, bright white, the color of snow. Just like the skin of the man he used to love. Then, the color was fading out, and he could hear the roar of ambulances in the background. Dan hoped that could’ve been the end, but if it was that easy, he wouldn’t’ve (a/n love that this is grammatically correct) failed the first time.   
For Phil, however, things in slow motion. Dan fell, keeping eye contact with Phil the entire time. Was he trying to torture him? Once the first ambulance had been called, Phil lost control of his body. His feet exploded off of the building, and in a quick roll he was lying face down on the ground- mere feet from where Dan was lying. He pulled himself up on his hands and knees he could feel an aching in his ribs, but he couldn’t tell if it was from a broken rib or a broken heart. He wiped the blood off of his forehead before crawling towards Dan, the room spinning in circles.  
He finally reached Dan and laid next to him. He grabbed his hand. By some miracle he watched the other boy’s eyes open. Maybe there was hope yet. But Dan’s eyes weren’t filled with the usual happy and loving cinnamon bun eyes he usually saw when he looked at his Bear, but filled with hate and contempt.   
“Dan…” Phil panted, “I love you so much, I have to tell you. No matter what happens we’ll be together. I did this for you. Because I love you.” Dan glared at him, venom filled his entire being and it shot out of his mouth at Phil.  
“I hate you…” He started, “you did this to me. I hate you.” He repeated, panting, maybe for the strain from talking, or from the pure hate the echoed through every single word he said. He took a deep breath.  
“Fuck you Phil Lester,” His voice was getting weak, a police car pulled up next to the scene, “for making me think that somebody cared. Fuck…” His voice was running out, the color disapearing from his skin- or was the color disappearing from Phil’s world? “...You” he finished, but not before a final breath sighed from his lips. A carefree sound, but ruined by the open eyes, filled with pure anger and that man he thought he’d loved.  
Phil was numb.How long had he been numb? He couldn't remember. Was it from the emotional pain or the physical? He didn’t know. He also didn’t care. He wanted to die. To go away. To stop existing. He wanted to hold his Dan in his arms again, he couldn’t really be gone. He was still there, right across from him, alive and well and happy. After all, they’d promised themselves to each other. To take care of each other and to hold each others hearts. Dan’s heart was made to be broken, and obviously, so was every promise that came with that. The only question left was- Who broke that promise first?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry.  
> Please follow me on tumblr at bestgerards.co.vu


End file.
